......All we are is dust in the wind -- Kansas

The world became a little darker last weekend.

Another bright light was snuffed out way too early.

On Facebook, the tragedy is quickly being dwarfed by all the people who knew him jockeying for the position of  "best friend who knew him most and is the most traumatized by his death".

It sickens me.

A damn fine young man has died from a senseless accident. The driver of the car will have to forever live with the knowledge of what happened..... the mans family will live the rest of their lives asking "why"....

In a time where comfort, calm and support is needed most.... we only offer up threats, hate, anger, blame and ego. The ones who carry the heaviest burden from the event are lost amid the laments of those who barely knew him.

And because of this, the most important message is lost. a critical life lesson gets buried under the woes of the pity seeking masses....

We all know already what that lesson is... I don't have to say it. If asked, everyone can recite it like the Pledge Of Allegiance.

But, just like the Pledge Of Allegiance, we mumble the words in monotone tempo.... never really understanding what we are saying... what it really means.

I did not not come here today to talk about Jaharri Miller, a truly fine young man who was raised right...

I came here instead to tell you about Debra Elam.

Ever have one of those people in school that, year after year, you saw passing by in the hallways but never shared a class with? A familiar face without a name? A person who could just disappear one day and you would never notice was missing but was still familiar to you every day?

That was Debra Elam in high school.... 1984?

And so it was one day, changing classes.... navigating the throng of people within the hallowed halls of Green Run High School in Va. Beach, VA..... minding my own business.... when suddenly the masses tossed a person out of the faceless mob and she landed right in front of me!

With a jubilant mirth and a smile that could kick start a star, she said "Hello! I figure if we are going to see each other all the time, we might as well know each other!"

Now mind you, Debra wasn't bleach blonde, cheerleader, barbie beautiful.... some might even call her "pretty" or "average". You could look around a coffee shop with her in it and not ever notice her in the corner reading a book. But that smile changed everything. It was a pure smile... a radiant, honest smile that cannot be faked or imitated. One of those smiles that makes you rethink everything you had previously assumed about this person.

One of those smiles that warms you up from the inside and guarantees that you will not forget that face ever again.

But in truth, she looked like a "Gail" to me......not a "Debra".

Weeks went on and every once in awhile Debra would leap from the crowd to land in front of me and ask "What's my name?" all while beaming that glorious smile.

Sometimes I would get it right and stutter "Debra"...... sometimes I would get it wrong and stammer out a "Gail".....

Sometimes..... I would even say "Gail" on purpose.... I liked this game and did not want it to end.

I liked Debra..... and in hindsight...... I think she liked me.

So I kept up the name game.

One morning, while sitting in homeroom getting ready to further waste a good education.... they blared the usual morning announcements that were never worth paying attention to. At least I didn't.

Let's just say Harvard wasn't beating down my door with a cool Trans Am in my driveway.....

Like cold water on a drunk, I was snatched back from my daydreams when I had heard the name "Debra Elam" on the loudspeaker... she must have won a super award... she seemed like the type who would.

But, as I looked around, people were crying..... no one was talking.

I bolted from my seat, into the hallway and run full tilt to the office.... tears pouring down my cheeks already knowing what I was about to confirm.

My friend....

My friend that I liked....

My friend that I liked had died the night before....

OHH GOD!!!

My friend that I liked had died the night before THINKING I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HER NAME!!!!!

I never asked her out..... I never told her I liked her..... I never even offered to walk her to whatever class it was that kept her crossing my path...... I never did anything but pretend I didn't know her name so I could keep this silly game going because I was scared that the game was all I had to keep her interested in me.

To this very day this haunts me still.... the fear that Debra liked me and died thinking I couldn't bother to remember her name.

So...... whenever you see me go up to a total stranger and tell them how nice they look because it is obvious that they made an extra attempt at it that day.... it is because of Debra. When I take an extra minute or more from my day to help you or listen to what is bothering you.... it is because of Debra.

It isn't because *WE* are not promised another day and need to live it up now. It is because the ones we really care about, but never tell.... are not promised another day.

It is *US* that has to live with the reality of how we last treated them.... how we last talked to that person... friend or stranger.....

If YOU...my reader.... died tomorrow and I learned of it.... I would feel so much better knowing you died knowing I appreciated you, loved you, or helped you.

It is my hope that Jaharri Miller.... a senseless tragedy.... a great promise taken way too soon..... can be this area's generational Debra Elam....

Treat people better, always...... you may not get the chance to say "Im Sorry" later.....